Last night was the ambulance meeting. Nobody really said anything about the call before the meeting started, so I just kind of assumed that it had been pushed to the past and gotten over. I didn't think they'd bring it up.
WRONG.
As soon as they started, Dan told what happened, how traumatic it was, etc. He announced me, and talked about how brave I was and yack, yack, yack, giving me way more credit than half of what I deserved. And then he asked me, in front of everyone, how I felt. And when I said I was fine, he then asked me to expand and explain how I am processing things because, "The remembering happens 'after' and sometimes it 'helps' to 'talk' and 'get it all out' and I shouldn't have to carry the 'burden' alone.
Err... what burden?
Say what?
So I had to talk in front of a whole room of people. Trauma over trauma! What was that about? I hate speaking. And Dan's eyes were actually bright and slightly red-rimmed when I was done. (So I guess I wasn't a complete speaking failure?)
And anyway, they treated me like I was suffering from PTSS or something. It was actually quite interesting.
[Note to self: stop smiling at inopportune times.]
Up to this point I hadn't told anyone about what happened, not my friends or family. In fact, I wasn't planning on talking about it, either. I had joined the ambulance with the expectations of dealing with some stuff, and so I don't think I was completely taken back by what happened. Granted, I hadn't expected it so soon, but it didn't... I don't know. I guess I wasn't effected that heavily. So yeah, when they asked me to "Let it out" my first thought was, "Let what out?" And when they asked me to "Talk about it" my first thought was, "Talk about what?"
Seriously. Bleh.
I don't understand....
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
I haven't even cried about it. To see Dan's red eyes was kind of... shocking. I don't know. If I feel traumatized now, I think it would be because people are pressing it on me and treating me like a victim or something. I suck at crying. In fact, I don't think I even know how to cry. I don't think I'd know how to if I wanted to. Am I so cold and heartless?
I can comfort a widow with my arm around her, and say how sorry I am, but when I walk away I can laugh and joke and forget.
This sucks, man. I'm afraid all the ambulance people are gonna track me down and make me talk. Aahaha. ^_^ They did say something to the effect that I should hook up with one of them for counseling over the week. Whaaaaat?? Oh boy. I'm over my head now! Sheesh, I think it's about time to drop off planet earth... haha
Um. Anyway. I journal. And not just here. I have a journal for my eyes alone, where I write what happened and recall as many details as I can, and so... journaling is a real good support bases. Since I seem to be incapable of expressing myself in front of people. And I only act on what's expected of me. (My self-monitoring and interaction-detail-awareness has always scraped the sky.) But anyway, it feels really good to be able to journal here on this blog, because I know that it's possible for other people to read it. Without knowing me personally. And that kinda makes me feel good, because I wouldn't dare tell people what I write here.
And anyway. God has been so good to me. Through this whole thing, I've kinda been.... I don't know. In a fog, if you would. I can't see, and I question and doubt and cope in some ways that I shouldn't be coping. But through it all, there's an awearness that God is THERE. It's in the back of my mind all the time, and sometimes I forget about it or push it away, but sometimes it springs up.... a flash of lightning in the dark. There for a moment, gone the next. But the feeling lasts. And I KNOW, even when all I can see is fog and it's so easy to overlook.
So yeah. My scripture for today is....
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me," Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
Psalm 139:11-12
God bless you.
I know He will.
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