Currently in Hungary.
I'm really glad I'm here. I really want to seek God. I want Him. I want Him more than the air that I breathe. This thirst for God is so strong it's painful. But I can't feel Him. I can't grow, because of It.
And I need someone. I need someone. I need help. I know it will be agonizing. I know it will be a messy and traumatic mess. But it's stunting my growth. It's keeping me in bondage. It's a lid over a candle, and I can't breathe. Sometimes I feel like I'll explode. Like I'll have to fall on the floor and flail like a fish out of water. I'm afraid, when I walk by someone, that I reek of It. That just by looking at me they'll see. It's so strong, I can't hide. God, it haunts my dreams.
I'm so f-ing lonely, sometimes I think I can't live.
But there's gotta be a way out. There's got to be a flame in me somewhere. And if there is a spark, I know God will cup it in his hands and gently blow it into a flame with His mercy.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Loveless Again, Beloved
There’s something about the way you breathe, the slow deep breaths, the way your chest moves with fragile life. It makes me want to crush my chest to yours, synchronize the rise and fall of your chest with my own, until our heartbeats make melodies and there is no difference between where yours begins and mine ends.
There’s something about your eyes, the way you plead with them, the way you laugh and cry and live through them. They speak words and emotions into my brain that words could never describe.
You know that fragile insecurity and low self esteem in your shifting gaze, in your shy smile, in the way you lift your head up so smugly, only to drop it again in a moment? You feign bravery, only to lose control so easily. Well, let me tell you, I think you’re courageous, because you’re real. And you’re not afraid to try again, even when you fall. I know you don’t believe me, so let me show you. I want to breathe security into your veins, grip you tightly and not let you go, give you the ability to look the world in the eyes and not look away. Because these arms of strength that are holding you are your arms now.
I know you’re weak, but when you surrender, I’ll show you what strength is.
No one said life was going to be easy. I'm sure if you knew it would get this bad, you would have ended it long ago. But let me tell you a Truth: Love has already won. Hate has already been defeated. So bare your scars of hatred that you cling to. Let go of the filth you identify with. You're not the only one who thinks you're the only one. Surrender to Love, and be Consumed. There's more out there than what you're living for. There's more to life than death.
If you seek, you shall find, if you seek with your whole heart.
Your Creator Loves You.
There’s something about your eyes, the way you plead with them, the way you laugh and cry and live through them. They speak words and emotions into my brain that words could never describe.
You know that fragile insecurity and low self esteem in your shifting gaze, in your shy smile, in the way you lift your head up so smugly, only to drop it again in a moment? You feign bravery, only to lose control so easily. Well, let me tell you, I think you’re courageous, because you’re real. And you’re not afraid to try again, even when you fall. I know you don’t believe me, so let me show you. I want to breathe security into your veins, grip you tightly and not let you go, give you the ability to look the world in the eyes and not look away. Because these arms of strength that are holding you are your arms now.
I know you’re weak, but when you surrender, I’ll show you what strength is.
No one said life was going to be easy. I'm sure if you knew it would get this bad, you would have ended it long ago. But let me tell you a Truth: Love has already won. Hate has already been defeated. So bare your scars of hatred that you cling to. Let go of the filth you identify with. You're not the only one who thinks you're the only one. Surrender to Love, and be Consumed. There's more out there than what you're living for. There's more to life than death.
If you seek, you shall find, if you seek with your whole heart.
Your Creator Loves You.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Swallow
I can't do this alone.
But I have to. Because I am alone. And there's no one. And there's nothing.
It's like being forced to swallow your sobs. ("Can't cry, girl. Can't cry. Eat your tears, girl. They grow into strength.")
But they don't grow into strength. They grow into hot coals in your stomach. And the hot coals grow into monsters later on. Much later. When you need to cry, but you can't remember how to. And they sit there, in the pit of your stomach. Dry eyes. And you want to vomit.
Loneliness.
And all those false promises you ate as hope, they turned against you, too. You know those walls you built around you, built so high, so strong? They are no longer a fortress. They're a cage. And you can't climb over them. They're too big for you.
You want someone to come to help you. You want to let someone into your cage. But they can't get to you, can't get over the walls you created. They can only look helplessly into your eyes. They're too dark, aren't they? Too deep.
I'm sorry.
I would vomit if I could. But the vomit's a part of me now.
King of the broken people, won't You come and rescue Your children?
But I have to. Because I am alone. And there's no one. And there's nothing.
It's like being forced to swallow your sobs. ("Can't cry, girl. Can't cry. Eat your tears, girl. They grow into strength.")
But they don't grow into strength. They grow into hot coals in your stomach. And the hot coals grow into monsters later on. Much later. When you need to cry, but you can't remember how to. And they sit there, in the pit of your stomach. Dry eyes. And you want to vomit.
Loneliness.
And all those false promises you ate as hope, they turned against you, too. You know those walls you built around you, built so high, so strong? They are no longer a fortress. They're a cage. And you can't climb over them. They're too big for you.
You want someone to come to help you. You want to let someone into your cage. But they can't get to you, can't get over the walls you created. They can only look helplessly into your eyes. They're too dark, aren't they? Too deep.
I'm sorry.
I would vomit if I could. But the vomit's a part of me now.
King of the broken people, won't You come and rescue Your children?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Breath of Wind
The wind blew up from the sea: cooling, smooth breaths, offsetting the bright warm summer air. The grass churned gently in the wind. The blades were dancers dancing in unison. The sun shined off their smooth green blades. Across the meadow and down the hill stretched the sea, like a mass of liquefied sky. Blues and purples and greens whirl-pooled together into roaring waves. They beat onto the surf and tapered into small ripples of water creeping up the sun-bathed sand with foamy fingers.
Legs spread shoulder-length apart, the girl stood in the middle of the meadow. The grass moved gracefully about her legs, as if it was trying to caress them. She stood perfectly still, looking out at the sea. Her eyes were wide to take in all her surroundings and all the sensations. But they were too wide. The sun shone its brilliance, and the light that it radiated fell on white skin. But the skin was too white. Sun-starved.
She looked across the rolling fields of rolling grass, and the rolling waves of the sea, and the rolling wind and the sunlight that rolled over her, and she knew that she was being called.
Her knees began to knock in the anticipation of freedom. Her legs were weak, and still cramped from being stationary for so long. Her muscles cried out to be in motion again. They cried out against decay. And the trembling in them slivered up her spine like a cold snake, and dispersed through her body. And then her whole slender figure was consumed by the shivering of anticipation, of the call; the call of freedom.
And suddenly it was as if she had ceased to exist. No longer was her identity found in the body of the little girl standing in the field. Her identity was rolling with the grass, and crashing with the waves, and shining with the sun, and flying with the wind.
Freedom.
And she began to run with no conscious effort. She did not even know that she was moving. She only knew that the call of freedom was beckoning to her, and that she was rising to meet it.
The wind lifted up the strands of her hair and blew them out of her face. Her tattered clothes no longer hung limp on her body, but wafted over her moving muscles like water. And her eyes were wide enough to take it all in, and exist in it. And they were as bright with life as the sun is with light.
And she was rolling, running, flying, living.
But only for a moment.
There was a breath of freedom, a breath of flight. But then the breath dissipated. And she was left trying to grasp the grains of sand that that seeped through her fingers. For now she was no longer standing, or running. She had fallen to her stomach on the ground. And there was a sharp clamping around her ankle, the grip of an iron fist. And she remembered, for the first time, that there was a milestone attached to her leg.
A smothering sensation filled her head, like a cold balmy hand was kneading her brain. And for a long moment it was as if she was gasping poison into her deprived lunges and not the life-giving air that she so desperately needed. The sun no longer seemed so bright, nor the day so glorious, nor life so brilliant. The bright grass that looked so soft grew out of a hard dark ground. Her head rested on that ground. Her eyes were open, but they were not so wide, nor so bright. They stared, unseeing, lifeless.
It was being a helpless baby left in the corner, with a blanket being thrown over its head. It was trying to scream, but the blanket blocking the passage of air. It was thrashing puny limbs that were quickly weakening, and suffocating on its own screams.
Disappointment.
But the wind slithered through the grass, and whispered across her ear, and breathed a thought of hope.
{I need You more than life, more than the very air I breathe. And though I fall, and if I leave You, I know that You will never leave me. Jesus.}
He is faithful, even when we are faithless.
Seek Him, and He will answer.
Legs spread shoulder-length apart, the girl stood in the middle of the meadow. The grass moved gracefully about her legs, as if it was trying to caress them. She stood perfectly still, looking out at the sea. Her eyes were wide to take in all her surroundings and all the sensations. But they were too wide. The sun shone its brilliance, and the light that it radiated fell on white skin. But the skin was too white. Sun-starved.
She looked across the rolling fields of rolling grass, and the rolling waves of the sea, and the rolling wind and the sunlight that rolled over her, and she knew that she was being called.
Her knees began to knock in the anticipation of freedom. Her legs were weak, and still cramped from being stationary for so long. Her muscles cried out to be in motion again. They cried out against decay. And the trembling in them slivered up her spine like a cold snake, and dispersed through her body. And then her whole slender figure was consumed by the shivering of anticipation, of the call; the call of freedom.
And suddenly it was as if she had ceased to exist. No longer was her identity found in the body of the little girl standing in the field. Her identity was rolling with the grass, and crashing with the waves, and shining with the sun, and flying with the wind.
Freedom.
And she began to run with no conscious effort. She did not even know that she was moving. She only knew that the call of freedom was beckoning to her, and that she was rising to meet it.
The wind lifted up the strands of her hair and blew them out of her face. Her tattered clothes no longer hung limp on her body, but wafted over her moving muscles like water. And her eyes were wide enough to take it all in, and exist in it. And they were as bright with life as the sun is with light.
And she was rolling, running, flying, living.
But only for a moment.
There was a breath of freedom, a breath of flight. But then the breath dissipated. And she was left trying to grasp the grains of sand that that seeped through her fingers. For now she was no longer standing, or running. She had fallen to her stomach on the ground. And there was a sharp clamping around her ankle, the grip of an iron fist. And she remembered, for the first time, that there was a milestone attached to her leg.
A smothering sensation filled her head, like a cold balmy hand was kneading her brain. And for a long moment it was as if she was gasping poison into her deprived lunges and not the life-giving air that she so desperately needed. The sun no longer seemed so bright, nor the day so glorious, nor life so brilliant. The bright grass that looked so soft grew out of a hard dark ground. Her head rested on that ground. Her eyes were open, but they were not so wide, nor so bright. They stared, unseeing, lifeless.
It was being a helpless baby left in the corner, with a blanket being thrown over its head. It was trying to scream, but the blanket blocking the passage of air. It was thrashing puny limbs that were quickly weakening, and suffocating on its own screams.
Disappointment.
But the wind slithered through the grass, and whispered across her ear, and breathed a thought of hope.
{I need You more than life, more than the very air I breathe. And though I fall, and if I leave You, I know that You will never leave me. Jesus.}
He is faithful, even when we are faithless.
Seek Him, and He will answer.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Rain
But I'll keep spinning around
Naked in the rain of my own tears
[[This is the burning of a dream]]
I know that I am weak, but sometimes hope seems too hard.
So sick of myself.
So sick of humanity.
Sometimes, when I gaze at the sky, I wish that I was a star: timeless, removed, pure, all-seeing. But then I think of what it would be like watching the world pass by, watching people watch me, wishing they were a star like me. Coming and going throughout the ages. A never-ending cycle of humanity, and me the only one looking on, watching life in all its glory bloom and fade like flowers, there one day and gone the next.
And I knew there was such a thing as love.
I knew that there was hope, and a meaning.
And I know that there's beauty.
But I don't know where anymore.
I am so defiled, I do not know how to shine.
God, I'm so sick of being lonely.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Current and Upcoming
Hey everyone.
I feel really accomplished today. I signed up for an english class at the community college here. This will be my first time ever going to school. Ever. So it's kinda exciting for me.
I've been learning how to drive. I'm late, but that's okay. I'm getting it. It's not so scary anymore.
I might be going to India again this summer. With Teen Missions. I'm not sure if I'm up to going through the whole boot camp thing again. But it wasn't so much physically difficult as emotionally draining. And I think that was mainly due to the leadership. IDK. I'm praying about it. If I can raise the money, I'm gonna give it a go.
Aaand, I might go to college in Hungary next year. A missionary training school. I've never been to Europe before, (never had that much of a desire...) but I think that God's calling me to go. I would be doing a lot of missionary work throughout Europe during my year-long training. And I might even be going to Uganda (or some other place) through them.
Anyway. I got on some sarotonin (finally) and eventually pulled out of my depression. Praise God. Honestly, some days I didn't think I would make it.
God is so faithful. I don' have it all together. But I don't need to. He does. And yeah. It was so so hard. Sometimes I'm scared of falling back. I'm trying to lean 100% on God, 'cause I can't go through life by myself.
With all the plans coming up, I have stuff to look forward to and things to plan out. And I'm happier, because I feel as if I'm going somewhere in my life.
Oh yeah, I got my hair chopped short and layered. It's raddd. I've only had a couple of people think I was a boy. xP And I've had a lot of guys staring at me as I walk by, and I don't think it's 'cause I'm ugly, either. Bwaha. Weird. I had all these people tell me I looked so much older, and then the other day this old man asked me if I was 14. =// I was like, "Waaaahhh...?"
BUT! I can wash my hair in 30 seconds. If I go to boot-camp this summer, bucket-bathing will be a piece of cake (to be cliche.)
Still doing ambulance. Pretty cool. I'm proud of the stuff that I've dealt with, even if I don't feel as qualified as I would like to be. That one call that I blogged about before really prepared me. I mean, I've done CPR and I've seen someone die. I've been to car wrecks. Not many people in the USA get to experience that. Especially 17-year-olds. Maybe someday I'll transfer to another town so I can deal with a larger variaty of issues.
Still doing jujitsu! It's so awesome. I'm beating 300-pound guys more frequently these days. haha. Best feeling in the world. I'm not so claustrophobic when I'm being smashed to the ground. Learning how to control breathing, put up with a greater amount of pain, not letting adrenaline control me. No longer being called "Sonic the Hedgehog" so much. =D This week master made me flex my arm while he pointed out pressure points to the class, and how to grab muscles to cause pain for wrestling. "She's got big biceps for a wench, eh?" he asked. He asked for it. ;) I have bruising where his fingers grabbed my bicep. Nice, right? Can't wait to show it off to him. haha jk.
Been trying to do more artwork. I got a deviantart! It's awesome. Got me drawing again. http://cylinse.deviantart.com/
YEAH! So that's a little update on my life.
God bless you all.
He is faithful, even when we are faithless. He cannot deny Himself.
I feel really accomplished today. I signed up for an english class at the community college here. This will be my first time ever going to school. Ever. So it's kinda exciting for me.
I've been learning how to drive. I'm late, but that's okay. I'm getting it. It's not so scary anymore.
I might be going to India again this summer. With Teen Missions. I'm not sure if I'm up to going through the whole boot camp thing again. But it wasn't so much physically difficult as emotionally draining. And I think that was mainly due to the leadership. IDK. I'm praying about it. If I can raise the money, I'm gonna give it a go.
Aaand, I might go to college in Hungary next year. A missionary training school. I've never been to Europe before, (never had that much of a desire...) but I think that God's calling me to go. I would be doing a lot of missionary work throughout Europe during my year-long training. And I might even be going to Uganda (or some other place) through them.
Anyway. I got on some sarotonin (finally) and eventually pulled out of my depression. Praise God. Honestly, some days I didn't think I would make it.
God is so faithful. I don' have it all together. But I don't need to. He does. And yeah. It was so so hard. Sometimes I'm scared of falling back. I'm trying to lean 100% on God, 'cause I can't go through life by myself.
With all the plans coming up, I have stuff to look forward to and things to plan out. And I'm happier, because I feel as if I'm going somewhere in my life.
Oh yeah, I got my hair chopped short and layered. It's raddd. I've only had a couple of people think I was a boy. xP And I've had a lot of guys staring at me as I walk by, and I don't think it's 'cause I'm ugly, either. Bwaha. Weird. I had all these people tell me I looked so much older, and then the other day this old man asked me if I was 14. =// I was like, "Waaaahhh...?"
BUT! I can wash my hair in 30 seconds. If I go to boot-camp this summer, bucket-bathing will be a piece of cake (to be cliche.)
Still doing ambulance. Pretty cool. I'm proud of the stuff that I've dealt with, even if I don't feel as qualified as I would like to be. That one call that I blogged about before really prepared me. I mean, I've done CPR and I've seen someone die. I've been to car wrecks. Not many people in the USA get to experience that. Especially 17-year-olds. Maybe someday I'll transfer to another town so I can deal with a larger variaty of issues.
Still doing jujitsu! It's so awesome. I'm beating 300-pound guys more frequently these days. haha. Best feeling in the world. I'm not so claustrophobic when I'm being smashed to the ground. Learning how to control breathing, put up with a greater amount of pain, not letting adrenaline control me. No longer being called "Sonic the Hedgehog" so much. =D This week master made me flex my arm while he pointed out pressure points to the class, and how to grab muscles to cause pain for wrestling. "She's got big biceps for a wench, eh?" he asked. He asked for it. ;) I have bruising where his fingers grabbed my bicep. Nice, right? Can't wait to show it off to him. haha jk.
Been trying to do more artwork. I got a deviantart! It's awesome. Got me drawing again. http://cylinse.deviantart.com/
YEAH! So that's a little update on my life.
God bless you all.
He is faithful, even when we are faithless. He cannot deny Himself.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Blue Light
I'm alive. Downward spirals end eventually. Mine ended sooner than later. Leaving guilt and shame in its track, at the realization that I allowed myself to get pulled in by the undercurrent. Again. Ah, but I'm fine. I realize that life faces you when you meet death. I had always wondered at that verse that said, "If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there." And now I know.
I'm alright, now. I'm coming out of it, or at least I pray so. The scary thing about having a good day is that you don't know if it's there to stay.
~~~~~~~~~
I sat perfectly still, hoping to still the chain. I closed my eyes and even stopped breathing for a moment. But shivers still wrecked my body, dancing quietly up my spine and rippling out like waves. And the chain rattled.
I cursed, and a sob of self pity and frustration welled up in my throat. I dug my back into the rock wall as hard as I could in an attempt to crush the shivers that controlled me; to still the rattling chain.
The cold chain.
The cold mettle noose sitting around my neck, weighing on my collar-bone, clammy and hard against my skin. It was an icy grip stretching around my neck, choking me. I couldn’t get away from it. Neither could I stop the jingling of the chain. It linked from the metal collar and fastened to the wall. The wall that I was pressing my back against; to stop the trembling.
The trembling that traveled down the mettle chain and rattled it.
But at least it was dark. The dark was soothing. Comforting. It let my aching eyes rest. It sank into the very core of my being and smothered me like the blessed numbness after pain.
The door across the chamber cracked open. The crack was so loud, in the silence, with only the jingling of chains, that it sounded like the world was cracking in half. And it was. My world was cracking in half, as that door cracked open.
Blue light slithered out from the crack in the door. It streaked across the rock floor and it fell on me, cutting me in half. One side of me was blue, the other side lost in numb darkness. I looked down at my body, the side covered in revealing blue light. Hues of blue on my muscles, streaks of smooth blue on sallow skin. I tried to get out of the revealing blue light, but when I moved the chain rattled. Loud. It was worse than the cracking of the door opening. I hated it. I cowered, cut in half with the blue and the darkness.
Something eclipsed the blue light. A shadow. The light was around the shadow, outlining him, standing against the blue. And the shadow followed the trail of light falling across the floor. He walked in its path. I looked at the light that he followed, and realized that it stopped on me. I was his destination. And fear filled me.
He walked slowly, one foot in front of the other, until he stood before me. Stood over me. I cowered in his shadow and looked up at his face. But it was black, and I could make nothing out.
He knelt in front of me. And this was even worse than standing over me, because he was now on my level. Cowering did not make me smaller, because he made himself smaller with me.
He reached his hand out towards me. I pressed my back into the wall, trying to get away from that hand, fearing that touch. But it didn't touch me. It gripped the chain up next to my metal collar and it forced my head down. He pulled my head into his lap and held it there by the chain. My face was pressed into the cloth on his lap. It was warm cloth-- suffocating warm.
He traced the fingers of his other hand along the nape of my neck. His fingers were cold and clammy, and they traced the smooth muscle on my neck, highlighted by blue hues. I shuddered at the touch, but the chain did not rattle because he was gripping it. I tried to pull away, but I could not stop from kneeling with my head in his lap. I could feel him leaning over me, with his face bent down over my head. He sighed. Warm breath momentarily washed over my neck, leaving my skin prickly and cold.
“I had hoped,” he whispered, “I had hoped that I would not find you in this position.” His voice was smooth and airy, and cold like the blue light.
My voice was muffled in fear and the cloth that my face was pressed in. “I had hoped that you would not find me at all.”
He laid his hand flat between my shoulder blades and bent over me until his hair blended with my own. “I always find you,” he said, his own voice nearly lost.
I'm alright, now. I'm coming out of it, or at least I pray so. The scary thing about having a good day is that you don't know if it's there to stay.
~~~~~~~~~
I sat perfectly still, hoping to still the chain. I closed my eyes and even stopped breathing for a moment. But shivers still wrecked my body, dancing quietly up my spine and rippling out like waves. And the chain rattled.
I cursed, and a sob of self pity and frustration welled up in my throat. I dug my back into the rock wall as hard as I could in an attempt to crush the shivers that controlled me; to still the rattling chain.
The cold chain.
The cold mettle noose sitting around my neck, weighing on my collar-bone, clammy and hard against my skin. It was an icy grip stretching around my neck, choking me. I couldn’t get away from it. Neither could I stop the jingling of the chain. It linked from the metal collar and fastened to the wall. The wall that I was pressing my back against; to stop the trembling.
The trembling that traveled down the mettle chain and rattled it.
But at least it was dark. The dark was soothing. Comforting. It let my aching eyes rest. It sank into the very core of my being and smothered me like the blessed numbness after pain.
The door across the chamber cracked open. The crack was so loud, in the silence, with only the jingling of chains, that it sounded like the world was cracking in half. And it was. My world was cracking in half, as that door cracked open.
Blue light slithered out from the crack in the door. It streaked across the rock floor and it fell on me, cutting me in half. One side of me was blue, the other side lost in numb darkness. I looked down at my body, the side covered in revealing blue light. Hues of blue on my muscles, streaks of smooth blue on sallow skin. I tried to get out of the revealing blue light, but when I moved the chain rattled. Loud. It was worse than the cracking of the door opening. I hated it. I cowered, cut in half with the blue and the darkness.
Something eclipsed the blue light. A shadow. The light was around the shadow, outlining him, standing against the blue. And the shadow followed the trail of light falling across the floor. He walked in its path. I looked at the light that he followed, and realized that it stopped on me. I was his destination. And fear filled me.
He walked slowly, one foot in front of the other, until he stood before me. Stood over me. I cowered in his shadow and looked up at his face. But it was black, and I could make nothing out.
He knelt in front of me. And this was even worse than standing over me, because he was now on my level. Cowering did not make me smaller, because he made himself smaller with me.
He reached his hand out towards me. I pressed my back into the wall, trying to get away from that hand, fearing that touch. But it didn't touch me. It gripped the chain up next to my metal collar and it forced my head down. He pulled my head into his lap and held it there by the chain. My face was pressed into the cloth on his lap. It was warm cloth-- suffocating warm.
He traced the fingers of his other hand along the nape of my neck. His fingers were cold and clammy, and they traced the smooth muscle on my neck, highlighted by blue hues. I shuddered at the touch, but the chain did not rattle because he was gripping it. I tried to pull away, but I could not stop from kneeling with my head in his lap. I could feel him leaning over me, with his face bent down over my head. He sighed. Warm breath momentarily washed over my neck, leaving my skin prickly and cold.
“I had hoped,” he whispered, “I had hoped that I would not find you in this position.” His voice was smooth and airy, and cold like the blue light.
My voice was muffled in fear and the cloth that my face was pressed in. “I had hoped that you would not find me at all.”
He laid his hand flat between my shoulder blades and bent over me until his hair blended with my own. “I always find you,” he said, his own voice nearly lost.
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