Blue Light

I'm alive. Downward spirals end eventually. Mine ended sooner than later. Leaving guilt and shame in its track, at the realization that I allowed myself to get pulled in by the undercurrent. Again. Ah, but I'm fine. I realize that life faces you when you meet death. I had always wondered at that verse that said, "If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there." And now I know.
I'm alright, now. I'm coming out of it, or at least I pray so. The scary thing about having a good day is that you don't know if it's there to stay.
~~~~~~~~~


I sat perfectly still, hoping to still the chain. I closed my eyes and even stopped breathing for a moment. But shivers still wrecked my body, dancing quietly up my spine and rippling out like waves. And the chain rattled.
I cursed, and a sob of self pity and frustration welled up in my throat. I dug my back into the rock wall as hard as I could in an attempt to crush the shivers that controlled me; to still the rattling chain.
The cold chain.
The cold mettle noose sitting around my neck, weighing on my collar-bone, clammy and hard against my skin. It was an icy grip stretching around my neck, choking me. I couldn’t get away from it. Neither could I stop the jingling of the chain. It linked from the metal collar and fastened to the wall. The wall that I was pressing my back against; to stop the trembling.
The trembling that traveled down the mettle chain and rattled it.

But at least it was dark. The dark was soothing. Comforting. It let my aching eyes rest. It sank into the very core of my being and smothered me like the blessed numbness after pain.
The door across the chamber cracked open. The crack was so loud, in the silence, with only the jingling of chains, that it sounded like the world was cracking in half. And it was. My world was cracking in half, as that door cracked open.
Blue light slithered out from the crack in the door. It streaked across the rock floor and it fell on me, cutting me in half. One side of me was blue, the other side lost in numb darkness. I looked down at my body, the side covered in revealing blue light. Hues of blue on my muscles, streaks of smooth blue on sallow skin. I tried to get out of the revealing blue light, but when I moved the chain rattled. Loud. It was worse than the cracking of the door opening. I hated it. I cowered, cut in half with the blue and the darkness.

Something eclipsed the blue light. A shadow. The light was around the shadow, outlining him, standing against the blue. And the shadow followed the trail of light falling across the floor. He walked in its path. I looked at the light that he followed, and realized that it stopped on me. I was his destination. And fear filled me.
He walked slowly, one foot in front of the other, until he stood before me. Stood over me. I cowered in his shadow and looked up at his face. But it was black, and I could make nothing out.
He knelt in front of me. And this was even worse than standing over me, because he was now on my level. Cowering did not make me smaller, because he made himself smaller with me.

He reached his hand out towards me. I pressed my back into the wall, trying to get away from that hand, fearing that touch. But it didn't touch me. It gripped the chain up next to my metal collar and it forced my head down. He pulled my head into his lap and held it there by the chain. My face was pressed into the cloth on his lap. It was warm cloth-- suffocating warm.
He traced the fingers of his other hand along the nape of my neck. His fingers were cold and clammy, and they traced the smooth muscle on my neck, highlighted by blue hues. I shuddered at the touch, but the chain did not rattle because he was gripping it. I tried to pull away, but I could not stop from kneeling with my head in his lap. I could feel him leaning over me, with his face bent down over my head. He sighed. Warm breath momentarily washed over my neck, leaving my skin prickly and cold.

“I had hoped,” he whispered, “I had hoped that I would not find you in this position.” His voice was smooth and airy, and cold like the blue light.
My voice was muffled in fear and the cloth that my face was pressed in. “I had hoped that you would not find me at all.”
He laid his hand flat between my shoulder blades and bent over me until his hair blended with my own. “I always find you,” he said, his own voice nearly lost.

Disillusionment

Depression sucks. So does life right now (or lack thereof). Anyway, I was doing Nanowrimo... but then I hit depression, so I was like "What the hell is the point to this, anyway?" So yeah. I had thought that might happen. No one knows I have depression. They think it's normal to sleep 12 hours a day and lock myself in my room the rest of the time. Aaha. Oh irony.

Read between the lines
What's fucked up
And everything's alright
Check my vital signs
Know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

Oh God save me.

Psalm 71:20-21

You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, Shall revive me again, And bring me up again from the depths of the earth. You shall increase my greatness, And comfort me on every
side.

And the nearness of there---/Feels more near----/To here

Been doing pretty well. The stuff that I've been blogging about is in the past and I honestly can't remember it all that well. It's kind of... distant and dreamy. Even when I try to think about it, I don't remember it all that well and it doesn't cause any sort of emotional response. So that's... good.

Anyway. I found out I have some issues.... or actually, I researched some problems that I have, therefore verifying them as issues. Not-such-hot stuff. I've been dealing with it for years, though. And I have no way of getting it out of my system now, so I just have to keep living with it until... I have no clue. Until I break, or until I die, or until it eats me from the inside out... Or something. Gah, it's so complicated. I don't know how I manage to get myself into such ruts. Seriously. I suck.

I am so, so, so sick of myself.
Nothing new.

Oh yeah. I'm supposedly an INTJ, and I've been wasting time researching the intj personality type. And I came across this description, which made me laugh so hard! Or---more like the INTJ style-- grin wryly, at least. Erm, yeah. It's actually pretty accurate in how I represent myself...since I tend to not represent myself.

INTJ: loner, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, not very altruistic, not very complimentary, would rather be friendless than jobless, observer, values solitude, perfectionist, detached, private, not much fun, hidden, skeptical, does not tend to like most people, socially uncomfortable, not physically affectionate, unhappy, does not talk about feelings, hard to impress, analytical, likes esoteric things, tends to be pessimistic, not spontaneous, prone to discontentment, guarded, does not think they are weird but others do, responsible, can be insensitive or ambivalent to the misfortunes of others, orderly, clean, organized, familiar with darkside, tends not to value organized religion, suspicious of others, can be lonely, rarely shows anger, punctual, finisher, prepared

I am Earth and//Dirt and//You?//

Last night was the ambulance meeting. Nobody really said anything about the call before the meeting started, so I just kind of assumed that it had been pushed to the past and gotten over. I didn't think they'd bring it up.
WRONG.

As soon as they started, Dan told what happened, how traumatic it was, etc. He announced me, and talked about how brave I was and yack, yack, yack, giving me way more credit than half of what I deserved. And then he asked me, in front of everyone, how I felt. And when I said I was fine, he then asked me to expand and explain how I am processing things because, "The remembering happens 'after' and sometimes it 'helps' to 'talk' and 'get it all out' and I shouldn't have to carry the 'burden' alone.
Err... what burden?
Say what?
So I had to talk in front of a whole room of people. Trauma over trauma! What was that about? I hate speaking. And Dan's eyes were actually bright and slightly red-rimmed when I was done. (So I guess I wasn't a complete speaking failure?)
And anyway, they treated me like I was suffering from PTSS or something. It was actually quite interesting.
[Note to self: stop smiling at inopportune times.]
Up to this point I hadn't told anyone about what happened, not my friends or family. In fact, I wasn't planning on talking about it, either. I had joined the ambulance with the expectations of dealing with some stuff, and so I don't think I was completely taken back by what happened. Granted, I hadn't expected it so soon, but it didn't... I don't know. I guess I wasn't effected that heavily. So yeah, when they asked me to "Let it out" my first thought was, "Let what out?" And when they asked me to "Talk about it" my first thought was, "Talk about what?"
Seriously. Bleh.
I don't understand....
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
I haven't even cried about it. To see Dan's red eyes was kind of... shocking. I don't know. If I feel traumatized now, I think it would be because people are pressing it on me and treating me like a victim or something. I suck at crying. In fact, I don't think I even know how to cry. I don't think I'd know how to if I wanted to. Am I so cold and heartless?

I can comfort a widow with my arm around her, and say how sorry I am, but when I walk away I can laugh and joke and forget.

This sucks, man. I'm afraid all the ambulance people are gonna track me down and make me talk. Aahaha. ^_^ They did say something to the effect that I should hook up with one of them for counseling over the week. Whaaaaat?? Oh boy. I'm over my head now! Sheesh, I think it's about time to drop off planet earth... haha

Um. Anyway. I journal. And not just here. I have a journal for my eyes alone, where I write what happened and recall as many details as I can, and so... journaling is a real good support bases. Since I seem to be incapable of expressing myself in front of people. And I only act on what's expected of me. (My self-monitoring and interaction-detail-awareness has always scraped the sky.) But anyway, it feels really good to be able to journal here on this blog, because I know that it's possible for other people to read it. Without knowing me personally. And that kinda makes me feel good, because I wouldn't dare tell people what I write here.

And anyway. God has been so good to me. Through this whole thing, I've kinda been.... I don't know. In a fog, if you would. I can't see, and I question and doubt and cope in some ways that I shouldn't be coping. But through it all, there's an awearness that God is THERE. It's in the back of my mind all the time, and sometimes I forget about it or push it away, but sometimes it springs up.... a flash of lightning in the dark. There for a moment, gone the next. But the feeling lasts. And I KNOW, even when all I can see is fog and it's so easy to overlook.

So yeah. My scripture for today is....

If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me," Even the night shall be light about me;

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
Psalm 139:11-12

God bless you.
I know He will.